Syndicate

OK, I've got a few problems with this scenario. First and foremost, Hulk Hogan is not an effective spokesperson for anything except birth control. As in, "I'm a good example of one of those people who really shouldn't breed." Yeah, I know that was harsh, but Hogan really doesn't know best. Neither of his children are going anywhere in life, especially the jackass with the leadfoot. Totally f**ked up his friend's life but still has the audacity to show up at car shows. Tool.

One only has to look at the parents of the jackass to understand how he could have turned out that way. "Mother" Linda just announced she's marrying her now-21-year-old boytoy after two whirlwind years of grossing everybody else the f**k out with their frankly disturbing PDA. Her children went to school with this cheap little rent-a-cock; her ex-husband talks about doing her like OJ did Nicole when he sees the boytoy driving his Escalade around town. And now he wants to sell you a little something to clean your hands. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

Now that's inertiaI don't care what they say. Just because she can climb a pole doesn't mean there isn't a dick tucked away in there somewhere. I mean, my God, her legs are like tree trunks. She's just massive and manly and the hot pants and hooker heels just make her look like a big tranny.

As much as I had hope for Brooke that she was the only Hogan with a chance to turn out right, it's just not looking good. What kind of man encourages his big burly daughter to dance around like a second-rate titty dancer while he makes out with his girlfriend, who is eerily similar to his daughter. It was beyond creepy.

Creepy or not, though, the Hulkster is proud of his little bruiser. She's the only one with a job, if pole dancing at the country fair could be considered that. If only she didn't tower over the little people like that. Nobody likes being stuck in the shade of a large orange woman.

Hulkamania lives!!Well, it took her a while, but the littlest Hulkster finally got a paying gig. At the Florida State Fair, no less. Carrying on in the family tradition, Brooke is said to be making her big debut in the squared circle against another wrestling legend's spawn.

Hey, somebody in that family has to work. Mom and Dad are too busy squandering their resources in divorce court, and nobody will give Killer a break. He couldn't get paid to throw himself in traffic. He'll be a burden to the taxpayers for the next 50 years at least.

It's all up to Brooke. But that's OK; she's up to the task. She's loaded for bear and ready for action. She's been sparring with Dad for years and could body slam a wildebeest. Just last week her papa was proud to note that she's wearing his cup. "Fits like a glove," he might have said. "It brings a tear to the eye." Somehow I don't think they'll make her a Diva anytime soon.

Huh?Oh, wait. His marriage is all busted up, his daughter looks like a tranny and his son is a punk street racer who bashed his best friend's head in speeding on a rainy night and then said it was his fault because he didn't buckle up.

What will it take to make these people go away? I grew up watching the Hulkster on WWF (now WWE), and I was a huge fan. When my daughter told me he was doing some lame-ass reality show on VH1, I couldn't believe it, but tuned in - once - to see what all the hoopla was about. A root canal would have been more pleasant.

And now this big doofus is going on the record to say that he's proud of his son, that he thinks he learned a lesson in prison. Did he learn any compassion, any remorse for his thoughtless and careless behavior? Hell, no. How much do you want to bet that either his Mom or his Dad buys him a fancy new ride in a month or so? They'll say it's for Brooke because she's too stupid to know better. I'm surprised they didn't talk her into saying she was the driver the night of the crash. That's probably only because they were too dumb to think of it.

Giving White Oprah a run for her moneyHere's a woman clearly not thinking with the top half of her body. Midlife crises are not exclusive to men, but most women who date men half their age have the good sense to be discreet. Not Linda.

After touring Florida's nightlife with her barely legal (but not old enough to drink) surfer boy, Linda has earned the wrath of parents everywhere. Not that she was such a role model to begin with, but this is ridiculous. Even her daughter won't speak to her anymore.

When she's not banging the baby food, Linda spends the rest of her idle time trying to paint her husband, the Hulkster, as the unstable one, claiming he's stalked and threatened her. Meanwhile she was the one following his car through traffic. Bitch is out to lunch without a sandwich. As she and her soon-to-be ex squabble over what's left of their "fortune", the Graziano family is preparing to take them to the cleaners, and rightfully so. Surprisingly enough, the only one in the family who seems to have any sense is Brooke, who's keeping both parents at arm's length. That whole name change thing is looking better and better.