Syndicate

OK, I've got a few problems with this scenario. First and foremost, Hulk Hogan is not an effective spokesperson for anything except birth control. As in, "I'm a good example of one of those people who really shouldn't breed." Yeah, I know that was harsh, but Hogan really doesn't know best. Neither of his children are going anywhere in life, especially the jackass with the leadfoot. Totally f**ked up his friend's life but still has the audacity to show up at car shows. Tool.

One only has to look at the parents of the jackass to understand how he could have turned out that way. "Mother" Linda just announced she's marrying her now-21-year-old boytoy after two whirlwind years of grossing everybody else the f**k out with their frankly disturbing PDA. Her children went to school with this cheap little rent-a-cock; her ex-husband talks about doing her like OJ did Nicole when he sees the boytoy driving his Escalade around town. And now he wants to sell you a little something to clean your hands. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

She's a naturalNo, not this "girlie girl". She can pole dance until she's blue in the face. I'll always think she's a tucker. Now all they need to do is get Nick in a dress and they can restore family balance.

In the meantime, Brooke will continue her carny tour as a pole-dancing Goliath ... until she runs out of money. C'mon, you don't actually think they pay her for those performances, do you? And even if they do, by the time they do her hair, wax her shadow and ... tuck her in, she's lucky if she breaks even. But that's OK. The Hogans are still living on Daddy Bear's money, although that may not last forever either, especially with that pesky lawsuit hanging over their heads. So what do they do when the cards are all maxed out and Mama blows it all away? They hit the squared circle.

According to The Sun, Vince McMahon has already offered Brooke a gig. I think she'd be a superstar - she's perfect for wrestling. She's tall, blond and can press a Holstein steer. Hell, Brooke and her dad should wrestle as a team - now that would be a monster hit. Brooke says she thinks she's too feminine for that, but we all know better. Get her in the ring and flash a picture of her stoned-out mother on the big screen and somebody's gonna get hurt. Bad.

Wrong finger, assheadThat's because they shriveled up and disappeared from all those years of juicing. He probably has the man parts of a Ken doll now. No wonder Linda left him for a little boy with a jackhammer in his pants.

Whatever the alleged reason for their split (everyone knows they did it to protect their assets from the Grazianos), once that old heavily painted cougar got a taste of freedom she was history. The pool boy was probably the first one who got drunk enough to take her on, and she spoils him so he's not going anywhere. The bitch is spending $40,000 a month and the Hulkster is mad; mad enough to consider murder.

Hulk tells Rolling Stone that it's ripping his guts out to see the pool boy living in his house, driving his car, shagging his wife (well, he should be relieved about that part), and that "I totally understand OJ. I get it."

Linda, for her part, also gets it. She's been calling 911 and filing complaints about her husband stalking and threatening her for months now, and we all thought she was full of shit. Well, she is, but that doesn't mean he should be allowed to talk like that without some kind of observation or investigation. In New York that would be enough to bring him in for a little chat at the very least.

Huh?Oh, wait. His marriage is all busted up, his daughter looks like a tranny and his son is a punk street racer who bashed his best friend's head in speeding on a rainy night and then said it was his fault because he didn't buckle up.

What will it take to make these people go away? I grew up watching the Hulkster on WWF (now WWE), and I was a huge fan. When my daughter told me he was doing some lame-ass reality show on VH1, I couldn't believe it, but tuned in - once - to see what all the hoopla was about. A root canal would have been more pleasant.

And now this big doofus is going on the record to say that he's proud of his son, that he thinks he learned a lesson in prison. Did he learn any compassion, any remorse for his thoughtless and careless behavior? Hell, no. How much do you want to bet that either his Mom or his Dad buys him a fancy new ride in a month or so? They'll say it's for Brooke because she's too stupid to know better. I'm surprised they didn't talk her into saying she was the driver the night of the crash. That's probably only because they were too dumb to think of it.

Like a catapulted steerThe operative term here being launched. Brooke is expected to re-enter the atmosphere Tuesday, splashing down off the coast of Texas by nightfall. Those implants should protect her during re-entry.

As her parents bicker over every last penny earned during their marriage and her brother becomes a permanent liability, the pressure is falling on Brooke to keep the family in the manner to which they've become accustomed. She's the only one with any chance of getting a job, and that's kind of sad. I was always a big Hulk Hogan fan growing up, but even he has become a caricature of himself.

Brooke may not have much of a recording career but perhaps she has a future as a dancer. Look at the way she soars through the air. She has such a powerful physique. Maybe she should be a contestant on her dad's new show, American Gladiator. Would she play on the boys' team or the girls'?