Syndicate

OK, I've got a few problems with this scenario. First and foremost, Hulk Hogan is not an effective spokesperson for anything except birth control. As in, "I'm a good example of one of those people who really shouldn't breed." Yeah, I know that was harsh, but Hogan really doesn't know best. Neither of his children are going anywhere in life, especially the jackass with the leadfoot. Totally f**ked up his friend's life but still has the audacity to show up at car shows. Tool.

One only has to look at the parents of the jackass to understand how he could have turned out that way. "Mother" Linda just announced she's marrying her now-21-year-old boytoy after two whirlwind years of grossing everybody else the f**k out with their frankly disturbing PDA. Her children went to school with this cheap little rent-a-cock; her ex-husband talks about doing her like OJ did Nicole when he sees the boytoy driving his Escalade around town. And now he wants to sell you a little something to clean your hands. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

Whatcha got under there, little girl?Perhaps it's the dress. One has to wonder, though. The last time Gwen started wearing looser-fitting clothes, she was baking a Kingston. Could she be going for a matching set?

No word yet from Camp Stefani-Rossdale on impending siblings, but this blind item sure sounds like a good fit. If you're not in the mood to follow the link, it goes something like this: "The singer who I say is pregnant. Her husband isn't so happy about it. Me thinks he thought his lovely betrothed was still using birth control."

Hmmm. Couldn't be Christina. She's too busy rolling around naked for Marie Claire. Couldn't be JLo. She can't get anyone to buy naked preggo pictures of her. Hell, she probably couldn't give them away. If it is in fact Gwen, good for her. She's probably still trying to get back at Gavin for lying to her about his long-lost love child. Passive aggression is a bitch. Only problem for her is that if she's pregnant, she'll have to stop purging after meals; it's not good for the baby.

Is she going for style or distance?
You'd think with all she's got riding on this kid she'd be a little more careful. It's not like she had a booming career or anything ... can anyone even tell me what she was doing to be the D-Lister she was before all this broke? I didn't think so. Bridget's only claim to fame is that she just happened to sleep with the right guy at the right time of the month, all the planets were in alignment, and her birth control failed. Sounds like a lot of coincidence to me, especially after being dumped for a supermodel.

What I think happened was the couple had broken things off, but were at that in-between, kinda together stage where they're still having convenience sex. You know, that "better than going out and picking up a stranger" deal. Bridget saw the giant Amazon sniffing around her manmeat and knew she was about to lose him (and her financial security); I mean, how could she compete with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model? Somehow in the middle of all that spontaneous passion someone forgot their galoshes, and the rest is history.

And now Bridget's beating the whole thing into the ground like Marlon Brando in Requiem. Since when is she a church-going woman? Did she find Jesus before or after she found herself conveniently germinated?

Avril is French for dirty little skank who likes to spit on peopleShe probably hasn't washed them for a few years anyway.

So who knew Avril had boobies like that? Certainly not her husband, Deryk Whibley, who she keeps in a cupboard under the stairs. Are they new? Did she buy a Wonderbra? Or ... oh, no. Don't say she's pregnant. Can you imagine a little Lavigne-Whibley garden gnome, running around in a wife beater and rep tie? For God's sake, I hope they're using birth control.

Avril has been laboring to overcome the latest blow to her image, that being the lawsuit against her for plagiarizing some nobody's song to make her hit "Girlfriend". Apparently this is more damaging to her psyche than being called a nasty little pig who spits on people just trying to earn a living. Don't want your picture taken? Stay home. Nobody will miss you anyway.

For those of you outside the metropolitan New York area, I've got news for you. Avril is a fibber. OK, she's an outright liar. She's been known to party it up in club bathrooms for a while now - as a matter of fact, I believe that's how she met her husband, trading rails in the loo - but she'll be the first one to say she never does drugs and never has. Yeah, right. I really want to believe that ... I do, but when I heard the DJ's laughing on air about how she got lost in the men's room for half an hour and came out looking wildly invigorated, I just shook my head. Some people never learn.

Well, it's probably not all that dramatic - kill that Movie Of The Week crescendo stuff - but our man Peanut Butter Federline is certainly not hurting much these days, even if he did have to give up the Ferrari.

Kevin is now renting a 3-million-dollar mansion in an elite LA neighborhood which doesn't, ironically, have a fence around its pool. Chez FederslimeHe's also been enjoying the company of one Liz Hernandez, an LA-area DJ and hot little strumpet. I hope this girl uses some serious double birth control with some holy water on the side - his seed knows no bounds.

So let's see - pricey rental, lots of time with your sons, VIP treatment everywhere you go ... what else could PBF want? Oh, yeah, gobs more money. And he's not stupid - he sees Britney spiraling out of control again (stay tuned for more on that) and he wants to grab it while she's still got it.

And chances are pretty good he'll accomplish his goal. Britney is all alone this time - no Mama, no Alli, just some beefy dude named Damon who may or may not be the hired help, and who may or may not have a checkered past. He certainly has a rippled midsection, but he's suet from the neck up.