Syndicate

OK, I've got a few problems with this scenario. First and foremost, Hulk Hogan is not an effective spokesperson for anything except birth control. As in, "I'm a good example of one of those people who really shouldn't breed." Yeah, I know that was harsh, but Hogan really doesn't know best. Neither of his children are going anywhere in life, especially the jackass with the leadfoot. Totally f**ked up his friend's life but still has the audacity to show up at car shows. Tool.

One only has to look at the parents of the jackass to understand how he could have turned out that way. "Mother" Linda just announced she's marrying her now-21-year-old boytoy after two whirlwind years of grossing everybody else the f**k out with their frankly disturbing PDA. Her children went to school with this cheap little rent-a-cock; her ex-husband talks about doing her like OJ did Nicole when he sees the boytoy driving his Escalade around town. And now he wants to sell you a little something to clean your hands. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

Screw them. We'll get our own show.Gee. What a shock. (Not.) The only shocking thing is their alleged net worth - $10 million. Is that even fair? Why should such a miserable bitch be so richly rewarded for being such an animal? I'm not talking about her ovaries, I'm talking about the way she treats others.

After keeping up pretenses long enough to boost their flagging ratings, it's rumored that Jon and Kate have separated and have each consulted divorce attorneys "behind each other's backs". Like that's such a big deal - they're only together when filming, so I'm sure it wasn't that hard.

What's really sad is that while everyone's buzzing over who gets the money, no one's talking about who gets the babies. I'd say they're better off with Jon since she seems to dump them on him while she does her book promos and speaking engagements; he only leaves them with a sitter when he wants to get laid. I hope that someone has the sense to put aside some of that undeserved income for the children's college funds. Somehow I don't see that happening, though. Expect to see Kate with a new set of boobs and a fleet of Escalades, while Jon will probably spend his share on pizza and beer, his favorite sex aids.

I'm not hiding, y'allNo, she's not hanging out with Paris Hilton again. Britney was riding over to a designer boutique on Melrose when her chauffeured Escalade was rear-ended by a paparazzo's car. While Britney's peeps say the pap was tailing them aggressively, he claims they backed into him. Um, OK. It could happen.

Poor Britney. She's like an irresistible beacon to motor vehicle mishaps. At least she can be relieved that she wasn't driving this time. That might not change any time soon. Britney's lawyer turned down a deal from prosecutors in her driving without a license trial for a $150 fine and 12 months probation. He said he won't plea to a criminal offense. I think he's behind on a car payment or something. Can't they work it out?

All things considered, Britney's looking pretty good these days. Well, most days. I think she was having a bad hair day in this picture, or more accurately, her extensions were falling out again. She should really give up the fake hair; her own hair has to be long enough by now, and she'd probably look better.

While Mom and Alli were in the bathroom making funny noises again, Sean Preston saw his chance ... and took it.

Milk, cookies or chocolate cake ... no one rides for free

SPF is a man's man, dammit. He just doesn't feel alive without the wind in his face. He's sick of choking down Mom's second-hand smoke and picking up those funny short straws before his baby brother can choke on them. Every time he starts to feel comfortable around a new nanny, Mom gets jealous and chases them away. What's a little boy to do?

He's hitting the road. Got no money, got no gas, but his Escalade is Flintstone-powered, and he could probably go for days without a diaper change. He's built rugged that way. Mom, on the other hand, is proving a bit more delicate these days. Prone to temper tantrums and hissy fits wherever she goes, Britney continues to be almost more trouble than she's worth, making everyone who works for her earn every red cent. The Daily News is reporting that an inside source claims that there are at least four hits on her new disc - Golly gee, y'all, that's enough to fill up a 15-minute concert right there. Will she have to learn the words first?

Now if only she would wash her hair. Sean P. and Jayden J. are sick of swatting the flies away from her head.